Leggo my Ego

from http://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/7/316359164

So I have touched on bad first dates, great first dates, bad second dates, and days, months, and years of these emotional rollercoasters named “relationships”, but have I learned anything? Have I developed this so called “character” that our parents are always telling us we are supposed to build in hard situations, or, have I lost it from years of trying to control myself — “be on your best behaviour, don’t be jealous, always act rational, always look cute”? While these experiences haven’t quite killed me literally (though, I am still mourning any patience I once had), it is debatable how much stronger it has made me. Most days I feel it’s quite the opposite. Any and all of my insecurities have been tried and tested, any vulnerabilities consistently exposed. Great relationship starts didn’t pan out because I wasn’t myself, always tried to play it cool. Then, when I was myself, the pain of rejection was much more sharp, much more personal. Sometimes devastating. I never had the excuse to lean back on “well, he didn’t see my soft side, my nerdtron geekiness, he just saw me playing it cool”. It would be the complete rejection of me. All of me. This rejection would then lead me back to the cliché metaphor of “having my guard up” and not showing them the real me. Just be cool. Always playing the mind games, always showing them how many boys liked me, how many other boys I might be seeing at the same time (when really, I would be dating them as a defense mechanism, and would ditch them on the word). SIGH!!

Such a vicious circle, but which is the right way to be? I am a strong minded, extraordinary stubborn woman who thinks feels knows what she wants, but there is so much even the strongest ego can take. Because that’s what the dating world is all about at the start, egos. Two people’s egos feeling each other out, to see if one ego will hurt the other. This blog is a way of my ego holding up a big white flag to the world. I surrender. I’m weird, I get hurt, I’m not the coolest, hottest, sexiest person you will ever meet. Be gentle on my ego, it’s not as big as some may think. I need attention, I need to be told I’m pretty, I’m cute, I’m smart. I try to tell myself these things each day, and sometimes I believe myself, but some days it’s so hard. I’m human. Don’t pretend you don’t do the same. An ego is a weird thing. It’s smaller and more frail than I am, and sometimes can use a little nudge. I have come to terms with the fact that one day, hopefully soon, this three letter word will be just that, A THREE LETTER WORD (and a measly 4 Scrabble points). I will no longer know, or care for, its meaning, its representation, its function. I have shinguards to protect my body from bruises, but only my mind and self security will protect my ego.

I can now no longer read the word “ego” without thinking “eggo”. LEGGO MY EGO. I am now changing the title of this post from it’s former “Le Sigh”.