Not for the Faint of Heartache
Friday, 26 February 2010
http://beautyineverything.com/4312016509
A word of caution, this is my blog. Shocking, I know, but sometimes it’s necessary to state the obvious. I started it as a method of therapy, to lay it all out in the open, so I would be forced to come face to face with it, stare it deep in the eyes. I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to have a decent sense of self, a head on your shoulders, but yet continuously make the same mistakes again and again.
Like a moth to a flame, no matter how many times that flame burns me, I am drawn back into the heat, and burned once more. I know that only I control my actions, the control to restrain and to look away from the flame, but there is a severe breakdown of communication between my heart and my mind. My heart refuses to listen. Stubborn. A characteristic of it’s owner.
This blog has nothing to do with what I do in my day to day career — but for those of you interested, I am a Product Manager (read: huge tech nerd) at a wonderful online fundraising software company for charities, and I love my job dearly. I have an ongoing, daily, battle with how much I reveal here, and the impact that it could have on my current or future career. It’s a shame that this is a battle I must fight, because hasn’t every single person been in my situation at least once in their lives? We are not born married. We are not told from birth who the person we will spend the rest of our lives with are. We do have the natural instinct and need to find this person, which is why we date. I am here to remind those out there who are single, that you are not alone, a reminder to some of how lucky they are to have found their one, and to others that who they once thought was theirs, is not afterall.
http://thedailyprophet.tumblr.com/page/7
I am here to share stories of things that make me think, make me laugh, make me cry, make me hurt. I am not quite at the point where I am secure enough with myself to completely let my guard down in real life and be the total complete weirdo I am, I still care what people think. I am young, I am securely insecure, insecurely secure. I feel this blog acts as a stepping stone towards that final goal, the goal of full security and sense of self. I like to think I have a decent enough balance of being able to hide behind the web, so it’s not complete utter vulnerability, but by giving my real name, a photo of myself, it will help me work up to being 100% comfortable in my skin in person.
Some things I say may make you feel uncomfortable, some things may speak to you, some may make you pity me, some may make you dislike me, but at the end of the day, as long as you feel something, that’s all that I can ask for.
I promise you I will make mistakes, I will say things I might regret in the future, but while my mind expands with knowledge, I need to expand and train my heart in the same manner. Who knows, maybe one day this blog will act as my candle snuffer to put out that damn flame once and for all.
