Tightrope
Monday, 6 September 2010
So you’re wishing that you never did
All the embarrassing things you’ve doneAnd you’re wishing you could set it right
And you’re wishing you could stay tonightBut there I go again, wishing never solved the problem
If you wanna get it big time, go ahead and get it get it big time- Yeasayer “Tightrope”
Well folks, the cat is out of the bag. With my face plastered on every provincial newspaper across Canada (the front page of the Financial Post, as well as a full page accompanying article in last Friday’s National Post) and my readership consistently spilling into multiples of thousands, I have to come to terms with the fact that people now know I have a blog. Holy shit. This is a frightening feeling, but exhilarating as well.
So, I’m pegged as a dating blogger. This term makes my cringe every time I read, hear or see it. While dating is certainly part of my blog, I like to think that there is more here than that. It’s my outlet, a place where I can share bone-chilling lyrics, inspirational imagery, and life altering songs. This is a place where I can get away from my day to day career and share things that are deep inside my mind, begging to be released. It’s a blog about a twenty something girl who is balancing on the tightrope of insecurity and self awareness; a girl who is struggling to find that one person who inspires her, challenges her… accepts her.
I used to keep it a secret. I would never post my entries to my Facebook profile, kept it solely to those who follow me on Twitter — odd that I felt more comfortable sharing my blog with thousands of “strangers”, but not a few hundred people who know me. But now, I have no choice. The secret is out, and I have reached a state of emotional confusion that I am struggling to grasp, or explain.
The night before the photoshoot with the National Post I had an anxiety attack. Do I really want the world to know about something I keep so sacred and dear to my heart? Do I really want to take away from all my career and my accomplishments in the field of technology by having the label of a ‘dating blogger’? I abandoned a boyfriend of two and a half years, the comforts of a lifetime of friends and family to fly across the country to study computer science and start a successful career in tech. Will all of this now be overshadowed because of the release of my consuming thoughts that keep my mind full and my heart slightly weak? For now, I am gracious for the exposure, to have something in print validate what consumes so much of my spare time. This is not a means to an end, but rather something that has been now been given tangible meaning. I am a blogger, and I am also a Product Manager. One thing does not define me more than the other, they are simply attributes of the person that I am as a whole.
Each and every day starts and ends with the same growing concern, the same haunting thought. Can I maintain this balance; achieve success both in my career, as well in my emotional release? Or, will I lose my balance and with one wrong step, fall off this tightrope?
